Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats