Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less