Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.