Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
#IWishIHadNever noticed
