Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Friday
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Well, this explains it: