inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg