[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
You Might Also Like
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.