[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
The Birdles
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*