Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.