Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
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yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.