Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sniffing the broccoli
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Saw this yesterday lol
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.