Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.