Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
You Might Also Like
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it