INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
The struggle is real
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.