Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.