[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you love someone, let them tweet.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
So true for me
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days