Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.