[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
i think we should see other cousins
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?