[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
🤣🤣🤣
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
damn he’s good
