[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Brilliant!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
do what now??
