inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday