Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.