inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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This one’s “Alex”.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*