Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I’m the neighbor

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.