Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

This is the best one I’ve seen

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

beware of dog

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall