Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

These dogs look like they have good credit.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

hi why am I like this

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”