Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.