Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

“you changed” bro i was 15

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda