7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.