Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Not today. 😅

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.