inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
![]()
You Might Also Like
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
![]()
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.