inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.