[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]