[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*