Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?