Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.