Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
