Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
murder on the timeline
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*