Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again