Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.