Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”