[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Genius idea!!
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently