[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
u spoke cat all this time??????
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David