[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
So, can we agree on 4 or
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Arrest that man!
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.