[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
accurate
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”