[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Morning all.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Fights fire with marshmallows
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.