[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”