inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like