inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I need this for my side hustle.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!