[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
OMG 🤣🤣
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.