inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
