Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?