Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.