Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

sry

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight