Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.