Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

S/o to @funTweeters .

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!