Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
why does this building look like a guilty dog
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably