*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
handsome & gretel