Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back