[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.