[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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Thoughts
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back