Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB