Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Lmao

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.