Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

A ghost story

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?