*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost


Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.


[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.


By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.


St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here


they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup


Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake


H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??