@noog

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

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@KatieBurnett

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

@snmrrw

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

@fuzzlime

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

@MomOnFire

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??