*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.