Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.