*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 馃槈
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It鈥檇 be great to make decent money doing something I鈥檓 proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside鈥y grandmother鈥檚 meatloaf recipe.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we鈥檙e leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don鈥檛 yell at me!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don鈥檛 get it either.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Gicl茅e paper from Hahnem眉hle.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
馃槱馃槱馃槱
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
mom: what鈥檇 you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: 鈥kay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Eggnostic is when you don鈥檛 know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Sorry if I鈥檓 a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning