Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do