*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance