Investing in beetcoin
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
this was very charming
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.