Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width