Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
sure, why not
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.