“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.