“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.