“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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