Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”