@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

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@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@FirecrackerKatt

Had a dream that my college classmate was a world famous hamster veterinarian and he desperately needed my help during a life or death surgical procedure, in case you’re curious how well the NyQuil worked last night.

@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@UncleDuke1969

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

@PleaseBeGneiss

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

@mostlysharks

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

@WheelTod

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