Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Facility rental: $100
Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless
Math of a mother
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Who puts their underwear on like that?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Emo Kids: you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.