Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?