Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.