Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down